Gracefully Letting Go

"In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you."

As I sit here in my cozy little apartment, my mind wanders to this past weekend: Valentine’s Day. I think about the millions of dollars that were spent on gifts, the amount of time that went into cooking special dinners, choosing outfits, planning dates, and every other sugar-coated, stress-inducing, heart-eyed moment that makes up this holiday. I feel for every person who had to spend Valentine’s Day not with someone they loved, whether that be a significant other, family, friends, an ex, or an unrequited crush.

I’ve had my fair share of bad Valentine’s Days, and I am not too proud to admit that I’ve shed a few tears over the past couple years because of that person who just wouldn’t (or couldn’t) be mine. As I was talking to several friends in the last couple of weeks, I noticed a similar trend. So many of us are caught up on somebody that just won’t (or can’t) be ours. Maybe they have another boyfriend/girlfriend, or are unavailable to us for some other reason. Maybe they just refuse to notice us in that way, no matter how hard we try. Maybe they’re an ex, someone we dated once, someone we kissed, or otherwise had a whirlwind romantic escapade with, a la Nicholas Sparks movie.

I felt this way about someone once, and was hung up on this same person for five years. FIVE YEARS. It hurt, every day, and it hurts me to see my friends and acquaintances experiencing the same heartache that I experienced. It leaves me wondering why...why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we find it so hard to move on? Why are we so determined to keep something that is clearly not meant to be ours (whether for the time being or forever)? The more I thought about it, the more I became convinced of the answer, and this is what I settled on: we are hungry for love. Now you might say duh, isn’t that the point? But let me continue.

Our society is obsessed with love. Look at Valentine’s Day. Look at the amount of money spent on dream weddings. Look at every proposal and prom-posal that has to top the one that came before. We are searching for something, and the only reason a person searches is to fill a deficit. We are experiencing a true-love deficit in our society. What each of us wants, what each of us yearns for, is true, sacrificial, live-giving, love. Now let me ask you this question: who first loved this way? And the answer is clear: Christ. God, who created us out of love, for no reason except love, to do nothing but love. He then sacrificed (love) His only son for our sake (love) in order that we might join Him in Paradise (love).This is the root of all love that we desire, and the type of love we lack. This is why we search.

Having recognized this, it’s easy to understand why we hold onto people this tightly. Perhaps they make us feel beautiful or worthwhile or safe. Perhaps they once gave us a glimpse of love, and we’re hungry for more. Maybe we connect with them on certain levels, opinions, hobbies. Whatever the reason, we think they might be the one for us. I know the feeling. I think the most important question to ask ourselves, however, is can/does this person love me the way that Christ does? Do they love me without agenda, without expecting anything in return, forgiving my faults repeatedly and sacrificing for my good? Does their presence give me joy and life, rather than being a source of stress and sadness? Do they spur me to greatness, rather than lead me to sin? Do they desire my success, my happiness, and most importantly, my presence in their life? If the answers to these questions, especially the last one, is no, then we must let them go.

I know this is easier said than done, and I failed miserably at this resolution for five years. But the first step in moving on is understanding the problem, and only then can we begin to be free. Sometimes we need to take drastic steps, because we are only human and therefore weak. Maybe you should stop talking to this person, unfollow their social media accounts, ask your friends for help. Whatever needs to be done, do it, until you can honestly say you’ve moved on. Who knows, perhaps this person is meant to be in your life later, but only God should bring them walking back in. Each one of us deserves true love, but until we recognize what that means and we see it standing before us, we should not grasp for anything less.