The Mistake, the Lesson, and the Blessing

I haven't written in a long time.

I finally published my poetry book, which took months of hard work. I started looking for a new job and a new roommate. So far, I haven't found either. I caught a bad cold, and my thoughts have been jumbled. This post will not be cohesive or eloquent, but this post is necessary.

What else? We're all in the last stretch of Lent, coming into Holy Week pretty soon. Everyone is in the midst of finals, grueling ministry work, and life-changing decisions. God is moving through our day-to-day moments in ways both subtle and shaking. His presence has not been lost on me.

This week, I made a mistake. As all mistakes develop, I did not think I was making one before it happened. I was pretty sure my decision was the right one. I was wrong. My mistake hurt another person. As with most mistakes, I did not notice this right off. I was too concerned with my own decisions to clearly see how my actions were received. As usually happens with mistakes, I was very sorry afterward for what I had done. I owned my mistake and I apologized for it. But this post is not about my mistake. Mistakes are commonplace, and the Lord does not fault us for them. What He does fault us for is our refusal to grow, to ask forgiveness, and to bring light back into a place that was darkened.

So, I had a choice after this mistake: to seek forgiveness and then move on, or to really examine the root of the cause, even if it hurt. I decided to examine it, and what a lesson I learned.

During this examination, I did three things. I spoke to other people I trusted (outside opinion). I went back and studied my own words and actions through a different lens (neutral opinion). I prayed about it (God's opinion). While keeping a holy hour in the chapel God did so much as to bring up the exact virtue I was so clearly lacking no less than 23 times in the pages I read. It was a wake-up slap in the face. I've never been schooled so obviously by the Holy Spirit.

After doing these three things, I came to this conclusion: I was wrong. Not exactly revelatory, but let me say it again. I was wrong. This is what I mean by that, and the better part of the lesson: I was wrong because there was something within me that needed to change. This was the lesson God wanted me to learn.

Mistakes, apologies, forgiveness, these things are important. We are human, we fail, we learn through those failures. As Catholics we have the grace of the confessional, and as Christians we have the ultimate model of mercy in Christ. But what I dare say is just as important as these things, is the blessing of what we learn about ourselves. If you are not learning how to change yourself from each of your mistakes, then you are only reaping half of the blessing. God desires to bless us in all our endeavors, yes, our mistakes too! But if we are only offering/seeking forgiveness, and not searching how to change our own hearts in the process, we've cheated ourselves. I refuse to cheat myself any longer, and you, reader, don't cheat yourself either.

There is so much beauty to be seen in this world, so much joy to be had, trust to give and forgiveness to offer. Some days I will forget that and I will make more mistakes, but I vow to not forget this lesson and the blessing I found within.

A mistake can be a bad choice, but a bad choice is still a result of the person who made it. I am not bad, but there are tendencies within me that are.

I promise to look more closely at myself, to examine all those tendencies that scatter the light, and beat them down until they are gone. And if I spend the better part of my life doing that, so be it.

Holiness is worth the fight.