Let's Talk About Marriage

Last night in my confirmation 2 class, the topic was marriage. We ditched the workbook, we ditched the pre-recorded video clips, and we got real.

My class had a lot of questions: Can a Catholic marry a non-Catholic? What if you don't want kids? What's the difference between an annulment and a divorce? Why do I have to get married in a church? We discussed these questions, and a lot more that had to do with a secular worldview of marriage as well: Why are young people afraid of commitment? What's wrong with living together before marriage? And the culmination of all these questions: What's the point of marriage anyway?

Once we landed on that question, we had finally reached the point of the whole lesson. The secular world teaches that the point of marriage is to find a soulmate, have a big fancy party, and then stay with them as long as you two are compatible. If at some point that no longer works, you're free to find another soulmate. Oof. The Catholic view teaches that the whole point of marriage is to help sanctify your spouse and children in order for them to get to heaven. Boom. Marriage is a sacrament, a sacrifice, a lifetime commitment, a commission. A holy family is the most dangerous weapon for the Kingdom that the world will ever see, because you're helping one another to become saints.

However, take a quick look around and it's obvious: there are a lot of versions of marriage in this day and age. There are those who accept a wholly secular form of marriage, a semi-Christian marriage, a Catholic marriage, etc. The Church has it's teachings on what constitutes holy relationships and sacramental marriage, and not even all Catholics conform to these teachings. With that said, I would like to reiterate what I told my confirmation class, and that is this:

We all have our thoughts on marriage and family. Some of us agree with and understand what the church teaches and some of us don't. Some of us have family members or friends that are engaging in what the Church deems sinful behavior. Your parents might be divorced. Your cousin might be living with her boyfriend. But listen very carefully to what I am about to say. If anyone, anyone at all, makes you or those family members feel as if they are bad people, or somehow less than, or not welcome at mass or in the church family, that is not of God and it isn't true. The Lord loves us all, we are all sinners, and the Church is not a museum reserved for the best of us, but a hospital for the broken. Christ not only accepts us all where we are, but loves us no matter what, and desires nobody to be turned away.

As we talked more, my thoughts turned inward and I started to consider: why do I desire to be married in the Catholic church? If I hadn't been holding out for a Catholic marriage all this time, I can say with almost sure certainty that I would have been married years ago. As I reflected on this question into the next day, I reached my answer. I'm a mess. Good, lovely, a wonderful creation, but still a mess. I need a lot of sanctification before I'm ready to enter heaven, that's for sure, and I desire a man who's ready to help me get there. A man whose relationship with me will result in tiny deaths every day. The death of my ego, my self-centeredness, my laziness, my cynicism. My job will be to help sanctify him in return. Together we will be committed to helping each other reach sainthood, and if God wills it, our children as well.

Marriage is difficult business. It's personal. It's messy. But it's also beautiful and underrated. With God in the middle, it can become one of the most lovely and heroic undertakings a man and a woman will ever accept. If you are called to marriage, that is what the Lord desires for you.

Within this Christian vision of marriage, here's what it means to fall in love: It is to look at another person and get a glimpse of what God is creating. It is to say, I see who God is making you, and it excites me! I want to be part of that. I want to partner with you and God in the journey you are taking to his throne. And when we get there, I will look at your magnificence and say, 'I always knew you could be like this. I got glimpses of it on earth, but now, look at you!

// Tim Keller