Gilmore Girls, Logan Huntzberger, and What Makes a Real Man

November 25th, 2016 was quite the momentous day. It was the day Gilmore Girls returned with four brand new hour-and-a-half episodes. I barely left the couch at all. But watching those episodes reminded me of an issue that's been coming up lately, and I think it's time to address it.

So I frequently contribute to a few online forums where fellow young Catholics will post and discuss on issues of dating, marriage, and life in general. Two weeks ago, this question was posted: What are your deal breakers in a relationship? I read through the typical answers about cheating, disrespect, etc. and then I came across a response that bothered me. The woman had written something along these lines:

I don't date skinny or slender men. In a relationship, I want to feel safe, and if my date is skinny I feel defeminized. I want a masculine partner, and if he's skinny, that just doesn't translate to someone who could take care of me.

After I calmed down, I started thinking. What was it about this response that angered me so much? To answer that, we have to backtrack a bit. Growing up, the media feeds us a lot of lies about what makes a good man. Athletic, outfit on point, financially able to provide for your wants (rather than needs), able to come up with a 50-point, planned out, surprising one-of-a-kind date/declaration of love/proposal, and the list goes on and on. Now there isn't anything wrong with those things at all, but they aren't what make a good man. The lie that a real man must be athletic or work out or even be of a certain body type at all is especially frustrating. Women should not be expected to look a certain way to be considered feminine; neither should men to be considered masculine.

A few days later I was talking to a friend about weddings, and she and I were discussing finances. I expressed my frustration that so many men feel unprepared for marriage because they're not at a place where they can provide their partner with the things she wants. I'm not talking about needs, but those extras the media tells us women deserve: a gigantic ring, a Pinterest worthy wedding, a beautiful home, and endless gifts of food, makeup, shoes, whatever our hearts desire. So many men falsely believe that money = manhood, and that is absolutely not true.

A classic example of the point I'm trying to make comes from Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life, and the character of Logan Huntzberger. Rory (unfortunately) is still seeing Logan even after refusing his marriage proposal all those years ago. Logan is an entitled, handsome, ripped playboy who is still seeing Rory even though he's engaged to another woman. Logan is quite rich, orders cars to pick Rory up from his penthouse, has standing reservations at fancy restaurants, a good job (handed to him by his father) and his own mansion in Maine that he even tries to give Rory the key to. He is everything the media tells us makes a real man: rich, athletic, handsome, and assertive, and yet when I see Logan (and other men like him) I'm faced with something much smaller than true heroic manhood.

As a teen, I had an idea of what a real man would be like. He'd be about six feet tall, able to pick me up and twirl me around with ease, be dashingly clever with a nice car and "real" job, and be able to buy a house right away after our wedding. Sure, he'd be a good man, but he'd have all those other attributes too. That's how I'd know he was truly masculine, my real-life Prince Charming. Now that I'm older, I see the error in my thinking, and I understand that true masculinity doesn't lie in physical attributes or a man's wallet: it comes from the way he treats the women in his life and those who are less fortunate than he. Logan disrespects Rory and the woman he's engaged to. He treats Rory's friend Marty (who could forget Marty?) as basically a nobody because he's just an average guy. Everyone in the world exists to give something to Logan, and the second Logan ceased to give, the second his true manhood diminished.

There are still good men left in the world, and hopefully I will find one to call my own sometime soon. Maybe he will be a plumber, or have early balding, or be barely taller than me, or struggling with two jobs, or still living at home, or be a terrible speller, or bad at jokes, or wear really ugly shoes, or fail miserably at sports. But it won't matter, because he'll still be a real man. He'll give me his respect, his time, and his love. He'll give the same to his parents, his friends, and everyone he meets, from the cashier at the store to that coworker he hates.

Girls, don't believe that men have to meet superficial items on a checklist before you'll give them a chance. Does he have a good heart? Does he honor you? Does he work hard? Does he protect those weaker than he? These are the marks of a true man worthy of your affection.

Men, don't think that you have to live up to an unrealistic standard in order to find a girl who will love you. Don't put yourself down because you don't seem strong enough, or rich enough, or smart enough. Remember that Jesus was poor, uneducated, and by all appearances an average man. Despite this, He proved himself to be the ultimate spouse, lover, provider, and friend through His great sacrifice for all humankind.

Remember these things and be at peace.

I am praying for you, friends.