How Learning to Say "I'm Sorry" Changed Me

Everything we know about respect we learn from watching the people around us. Our society is of the opinion that respect earns respect. If you respect me, then I will respect you, and if you don't respect me, then I'm under no obligation to go out of my way for you. I don't have to apologize if I decide it isn't warranted. It's a dangerous way of thinking, and even I believed it on some level.

Eventually I discovered that this kind of attitude was affecting myself more than any type of "justice" I thought I was dealing out to other people. Nobody has to "earn" respect and kindness; Jesus earned it for us when He died on the cross for mankind. Every person is a son or daughter of God, inherently worthy of love and respect, and nothing he or she can do makes it okay for us to treat them as worthless. When we refuse to treat someone else with respect, no matter how they've treated us, it's as if we're telling Jesus that His precious child is unimportant. And nothing drives the nails deeper into Christ than when His children refuse to show one another the love they deserve. This is where apologizing comes in.

As with a lot of life lessons, I didn't learn this one until I was on the receiving end. After being really hurt by someone I thought was a friend, all I wanted was an apology. I gathered my courage, expressed my feelings, and this is what I heard: I'm sorry if you feel that way, but... and just like that, I could feel my heart breaking. This happened numerous times over the course of a few years. Basically, this person had a problem with apologizing. She believed that if she didn't mean for the outcome to happen (i.e. my feelings being hurt), then she did nothing wrong and was under no obligation to apologize. She didn't mean to disrespect me, therefore everything was fine.

After being hurt this way time and time again, I started looking at myself. Sometimes I say things I don't mean. I get carried away. I have a tendency to be too honest, or too harsh, or too critical. I'm impatient. I've said things, watched someone be hurt by them, and then soothed myself by thinking they know I didn't mean it that way. They'll get over it soon and everything will be fine. Well, after recognizing this fault in myself, I desired to change. I couldn't expect from other people what I wasn't prepared to give myself. I knew how I wanted to be treated, I knew how I felt when all I wanted was a sincere apology, so I decided to start there. I decided to be the person who would apologize first. And I began.

It started with watching myself more closely. Now, if I see that someone is hurt by my words or actions, whether they "deserved" them or not, whether I meant to chastise them or not, I apologize. I no longer use the word "if." I acknowledge their hurt, and I end with "I'm sorry." I don't try to explain it away. I don't make any excuses for myself. It has been a humbling lesson. No joke, apologizing is hard. It's embarrassing and a blow to your ego. Nobody wants to have to go through that. But I discovered some things in the process.

Firstly, apologizing gets easier the more you do it. With each apology, a little bit of my ego is chipped away. I like to think I'm becoming a softer person, a better version of myself. Secondly, I'm slower to judge others. In the past, my first reaction when I felt hurt or disrespected was to lash out and complain. I supposed the other person did it on purpose or knew how their words would affect me and didn't care. Now I feel myself giving them the benefit of the doubt. I don't know what things are happening in their life, I never know all the details, so I can't cast judgements on another person. Lastly, and most importantly, I'm finding it easier to forgive others. There is a difference between forgiving in word and actually forgiving in your heart. I used to say "that's okay," but found that I held on to the hurt for weeks after. Now, the forgiveness flows more readily. Sometimes it still takes an apology, but other times I'll pray about it and feel peace more quickly.

Don't get me wrong, it's still a process. I still find myself hurting others unintentionally. But now, I'm more aware of how my words and actions affect people. I've found that the more I apologize, the more peace I feel, and the less likely I am to inflict hurt on others. So I challenge you today, or the next time you have the opportunity, to apologize to someone who needs to hear it. Whether or not they hurt you as well, do it first. Let go of the notion that a person's actions or intent determine whether or not they deserve that measure of respect from you. I set out with the goal of becoming better at apologizing, but I never dreamt of the peace that would flow in my own life from humbling myself in this manner. You owe it to yourself, and you owe it to your neighbor. The world needs more love, especially now.

I'm praying for you.