Do I Let Them Pay For Me?

Let's go! I'll pay for you!

No, that's okay. I'll figure something out.

Here, let me get that for you.

It's alright, I can pay for myself.

Does this sound familiar? I bet it does, because I've done it too. I know I'm not the only one. Many people seem to have problems allowing someone else to pay for them. It doesn't matter if it's a friend offering to pay for a friend, or a man offering to pay for a woman. Oftentimes, the person on the receiving end may feel "littler" by being paid for, or worried that it's unfair. Maybe they want to seem independent or financially secure. Perhaps they're just uncomfortable for some reason that's hard to identify. Whatever the situation, allowing someone else to pay for us never seems like the ideal situation. Here's how I see it:

We give gifts to the people we care about. Birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries, Valentine's Day, or even just because. When receiving a gift, we don't question it or the person giving it to us, we just accept it. Chances are, the person who gave the gift didn't measure how much money you were worth or deserved; they just wanted to make you happy. Guess what? Being paid for is a gift. Turning it into an issue of fairness eradicates the whole point of gift giving. If gift giving were based on fairness, than people who have less money, less time, or less virtue than you should never have to give you a gift at all. But that's not how gifting works. If someone offers to pay for us for no other reason than to be kind, we should accept it.

Let's say that as a woman, a man offers to pay for you. I once had a good friend do that for me at the fair. We were in line for some amazingly-good-yet-terrible-for-you-food, and as we got to the window he said, "I got this for you." I had a chance in that second. Do I refuse, thank him, but pay for myself (I was able)? Or do I accept graciously and allow him the chance to follow through on this sacrifice? I chose the second option, but I wouldn't always have done that.

Honestly, gift giving is always a sacrifice. A person is using their hard earned money to do something for you, when it could have gone toward bills, or a haircut, or some new shoes. They're giving away something they could have used for themselves. This is a kindness friends feel called to do for one another, or an act that men feel called to do for women, as a way to honor them. Accepting it can never make you "less," it only helps in making the other "more."Isn't this what we're called to do for one another? Lift each other up?

I was talking once with a wonderful Carmelite, Sr. Faustina. I explained to her a situation that I never felt sure I responded to correctly. I was riding a shuttle to the Hollywood Bowl and an old man offered me his seat. I felt a little upset at this first offer; I was young, not holding any bags, and capable of standing for the 20 minute ride. I felt the old gentleman deserved the seat more than I. He didn't listen, but insisted again. Really annoyed at that point, I told him I was fine and to keep his seat. He dropped it, but I always felt unsettled about it. When asking Sr. Faustina about what she would have done, she said something I will always remember: "Never deny another person the opportunity to sacrifice for you, because through that act the Lord will bless them, and by denying them that chance you deny them their blessing." Whoah.

The truth is, as Christians, we are called to give gifts to one another because Christ gave us the biggest gift of all. We give because He gave. We sacrifice because He sacrificed. Not allowing someone to give or sacrifice for you is just not the Christian response. It has nothing to do with feminism or chauvinism.

Whether fair or unfair, sacrifice or no sacrifice, we shouldn't deny the other person a chance to be chivalrous or generous. The offer is not the same as allowing them to act. Put your own thoughts aside and check your pride at the door. If a person offers to pay for you, let them. By accepting their act of love, not only are you blessed, but they are as well.