Why Loneliness is Not a Problem to Be Fixed

I have a bone to pick with society. And not just secular society, but religious circles as well. I've seen countless articles and spoken to many people who are both faithful and not, and there seems to be a general consensus on loneliness: fix it. Look, I get what they're trying to say. Nobody wants to be lonely, and there are things you can do to combat it. Join an extracurricular class, call a friend or relative you haven't spoken to in a while, people watch in a public place, go to church, pray, the options are endless. But what happens when those things don't work? Because inevitably there will be a day, or a week, or months, when they don't*. And loneliness will settle over your shoulders like an invisible yoke that you can't seem to lift off. What then? Are you broken? Are you not trying hard enough? Are you not praying correctly? Not trusting in the Lord? Let me be the one to say it: no.

(*Note before I go on: I am not speaking of the type of loneliness which is debilitating or results in harmful behaviors. If you are feeling lonely and isolated to the point where it affects your daily life or health, please reach out to someone you trust!)

Many people will try and tell you that loneliness is a bad thing, or that it is the opposite of contentedness. They present loneliness as a hole that you have somehow dug yourself into as a result of your life being less than satisfying. That may sometimes be the case, but not always. Loneliness is not automatically a bad thing. As human beings, we were made for community and connection. We crave love, friendship, intimacy, and encounter. When we're running low on those experiences, it's natural to feel lonely. Should we do everything possible to fill our lives up anyhow? Of course! And as people of faith, we should be spending adequate time with our Lord at mass, in the Blessed Sacrament, and in prayer. But as people of faith, we should also recognize that even Jesus was lonely on occasion (Isaiah 53:3, Matthew 27:46), and he channeled those feelings into something holy. He wasn't ashamed, he didn't hide, and when the poor and neglected came to him for that encounter they were craving he didn't tell them they obviously needed to work on themselves first.

Allow me to say these words to you; perhaps you need to hear them even as I do. Maybe reading them aloud will help: You can be happy and still be lonely. You can have a satisfying life and still be lonely. You can be content with yourself and still be lonely. You can be in a relationship and still be lonely. Experiencing feelings of loneliness does not mean you're "less than." It does not mean you messed up somewhere. It is not something to be embarrassed about, or ashamed of, or kept secret. It does not mean you're weak, or boring, or any other negative attribute that the world will try to pin on you. The truth of the matter is, loneliness will always be there. Our souls will always long for something more than this world can provide. If anything, naming our loneliness and accepting it makes us more human than less, and it's when we are fully realizing our humanity that the Lord is closest to our hearts.

Friends, don't despair if you feel lonely, if you crave more than what you've been experiencing. Don't let anybody tell you that a life lived right is free of loneliness. Don't let anybody tell you that experiencing loneliness means you haven't realized your purpose or aren't living to the fullest. If you've felt this way before, if you feel it now, lean in to our Savior and those you love. I can't promise this will "fix it." I can't guarantee you that your loneliness will disappear in the blink of an eye. However, I can offer you the courage to accept that you are good and perfect in spite of it.