I Don't Have a Best Friend, and That's Okay

In elementary school I had a best friend named Stephanie. One day, for no special reason, she gave me a gift: the other half of a plastic purple heart that said "best friends" in fancy black letters. I kept the other half of that "best friends" necklace until long after I left elementary school, in a battered old shoebox that held keepsakes. When I finally got rid of the contents of that box years later, I paused and reminisced over that tiny purple half-of-a-heart. It meant a lot to my 5th grade self, even before I really knew about what true friendship entailed, that someone cared enough about me to give me a tangible symbol of our friendship. Not only was I was friends with Stephanie, but her BFF, and she wanted everyone to know it. It was like the elementary equivalent of an engagement ring.

Not much has changed all these years later; I still have best friends and it's still exciting when they express their love for me in tangible ways. One thing has changed, though: I don't have just one best friend. This used to be a big point of anxiety for me. I didn't feel as if I had one person, one BFF, who was above all the others. I struggled with this for some time. Why don't I have a best friend? Aren't I special? Doesn't anyone love me enough to give me that distinction? It seemed like everyone else I knew had their person, their go-to, and I didn't have one. My self-esteem suffered, and I was extremely touchy about being left out. FOMO was at an all time high. But one year, and I can't pinpoint exactly when, all that changed. I looked around at the good group of friends I had and realized that I was right. I didn't have just one best friend, I had ten.

Then, as I always try to do in times of self-reflection, I turned to scripture to see what I could find. What did it say about best friends? I found a lot of verses and scriptural support about the importance of true friendship and what makes a trustworthy friend, but I didn't really find anything about best friends. And that's when I realized: Jesus didn't have one best friend either, He had twelve. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense to me. Can you imagine if Jesus only had one disciple? Obviously that would have made evangelizing on foot a lot more difficult, but it was more than that. Jesus was specific when He chose those people and the large number that He did. Apart from it being historically significant to the Jewish people (paralleling the twelve tribes of ancient Israel) Jesus knew their specific personalities and the gifts they would bring to His life and ministry. He knew a larger group would be necessary, for support, for companionship, for the diversity of character the twelve would bring. Jesus and the disciples are the greatest example of friendship characterized by community rather than exclusivity.

How does this play out in our modern lives? I think it proves that we should not be tied to the idea of one best friend (excluding marriage) who we pour all our attention, time, and energy into. I also think that if you're like me, without one specific bestie, that you shouldn't let it bring you down. Spend your time investing into several good friendships, cultivating them, enjoying them, and learning what is special about each person. We all have our different gifts, and no one person can be everything to anybody. Having more than one best friend can offer us so much more in perspectives, advice, even in just hanging out. And as Christians, we need a strong community to help form us and carry us along when we're weak. God does not call us to be solitary or exclusive.

There are two specific instances in the gospel that I wish to call attention to in order to illustrate my point. The first is in John 11, where Jesus hears that Lazarus has died. He is staying about two miles away from Jerusalem, in Bethany, since He knew Lazarus was sick. Upon his death, Mary and Martha returned to him, along with a group of their close friends and relatives. Then, "when Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who came with her weeping, He groaned in the spirit and was troubled." The group pleaded with Jesus to do something, anything, and because of their heartfelt petitions Jesus did. He even cries out to His Father, "I know that You always hear Me, but because of the people who are standing by, I said this, that they may believe that You sent Me.” Do you have a group of best friends that would do this for you? Petition the Lord fervently and without fail on your behalf? Can the same be accomplished by only one person? Scripture shows us here that faith in action releases God's grace. Because of the actions of this group of people calling out to the Lord on behalf of their friend Lazarus, Jesus raised him from the dead. The faith of a few good people changed the entire narrative of Lazarus' life. I don't know about you, but I definitely want friendships like that.

The second gospel story I want to mention is well known: the healing of the paralytic. This is a well-known miracle, but the reason I bring it up here is simple. The paralytic had four friends who were willing to carry him on the mat. Who knows what this paralytic had been through in his life or why he was paralyzed. But he needed to get to Jesus, and it took four friends to get him there. Four. It wasn't easy. They had to fight crowds, probably stares and confusion from the surrounding people, and had to lift the man not only onto the roof, but then take it apart and lower him through. That would not have been possible with one friend. Bottom line.

So I encourage you, if you haven't already, seek out a solid group of best friends. Form a community of believers that you can depend on. If you struggle, as I did, with feeling left out or "less than" simply because you don't have one person to call "best friend," reevaluate your friendships or examine them through this perspective. If you heavily rely on just one person for emotional support, advice, or time with, rethink that. Jesus desires us to draw close to one another, rejecting exclusivity and opening our hearts to a group of people we can count on. There is strength in numbers, as they say, and it is through those strong and varied friendships that your entire narrative can change for the better.